Fatherly Rant

Ok, so I finished some of my work early, and decided to do another post for today. As you can probably tell from the title, its a rant about my dad. :)

So on Monday, I went over to his house around 8 to pick up Emily, who was there for the evening (required weekly visit and all). We all sat in the living room, Dad, Dad's third wife Cathi, Emily and me, in relatively awkward silence. He asked how work was going, I responded and asked him the same. We talked about my car, and about Cathi's kids. He asked how Amy was, and I gave a short update...and then he wanted to know how long Chris and I had been together. I said "four months", and he seemed surprised, thinking it had been longer. Then, he asked me if I was going to stay in the area, or planning on moving. I told him I was eventually planning on moving, but was going to stay for a bit to see where things were going. He said, and I quote,

"That's a good plan. You're young after all. What are you, 24?"

(At this point I look at him incredulously)

"Wait, 26??" (there was some desperation in his voice, then he settled on...)

"23, that's right."

"Actually Dad, I'm 22...I'll be 23 in August..."

"Right, I knew that." (suuuure you did)

So, as if the fact that my own father really doesn't know how old I am wasn't enough, we had to have the Weight Discussion. This is so titled as it is a frequent and well-loved subject of my father's.

"Did you loose weight? You're looking better."

"Actually, yes, I went shopping the other week and bought pants in a size smaller."

"Cathi and I noticed at the hockey game. You're looking so much better!"

"Thanks, Dad."

"What have you been doing? Exercising? Eating better?"

"Um, yeah, a bit, I'm just trying to eat less, I guess."

"Well, whatever it is, you should keep it up. It makes you look so much better. Especially now that you have a boyfriend and all."

"Yeah...I'm just trying to be healthy, really."

"Well, Cathi and I are so proud of you! It's great that you're loosing weight. I'm sure you're happier too."

(To my sister) "Ok Em, I think we should go..."

Ugh! Just remembering this pisses me off. First of all, we had a longer conversation about my weight then we did anything else. Secondly, he said, at LEAST three times that I was "better" since a bit of weight came off, if only in appearance. He's always been one to judge others on their outward appearance, and it just bothers me that he sees me that way too. My self-worth has never depended on my looks, and I don't feel that his opinion of me should either. Then, he implied that I lost weight because I'm dating someone. That also bothers me, because if I have tried to be more healthy, its for me, not to impress Chris, as much as I love him. I mean, that's a great side effect, but I don't think its right to have to change oneself for someone else, as my father implied I had. Its just obvious time and time again, how thoroughly he does not know me.

The last thing he said was that he was proud of me. Now, I'm sure most of you already know this about me, but I am a huge people pleaser. There's nothing that I want more then the people that I love to be happy, and its best when something I do causes that happiness. As much as I get upset by my father, I still love him. And in fact, at times in my life I've tried harder to please him than anyone else, often with little success. So hearing those words "I'm proud of you" come from him means a lot to me. The only other time in recent history that I've heard that was when I got my undergrad research published in the Marriage and Family journal.

Getting those words from my father made me excited, pleased, and happy. But at the same time, I realize how dangerous that is for me. If I want to loose weight, then I need to do it for me, not for the reassurance of "love" that I get from my father. He should love me and be proud of me regardless of what I look like or what I accomplish. And I think that comes to the heart of our relationship. That piece has always been missing. Or if he feels it, he never says it to me. That's probably why I have such a need to hear words of love and kindness from those close to me. I need to know that the feelings are there...it reassures me.

So, that's my rant, tied in with a bit of self-analysis. I really think that my dad tried hard to be supportive of me, he just doesn't know how. I have harbored a lot of ill-will towards him for most of my life, but I'm finally at the place where I can let it go, and try to see things from his point of view as well. Instead of getting resentful that he doesn't know how old I am, I can blog about it, and let it go. Writing therapy, I suppose :)

I have to lead the Team Meeting tomorrow. I'm so not prepared. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday. I miss Chris. I haven't seen him since last Saturday. That's a long time. Yay. weekends!!


~Molly