Can I cut off my ears now?

There seems to be one interesting, and very disturbing aspect of my job.

My clients trust me. A lot.

Now this is great in theory, right? A case manager's biggest way to help their clients is through the relationship that forms between them. That trust allows CMs to learn the "real story" behind what you might be hearing from a client. It allows us to be able to ask tough questions, about topics that can be very personal. It allows us to get to know the client, and see what may be hidden beneath the surface.

This trust goes both ways. By helping clients reach success, following through, and simply caring about them, CMs can earn the trust of the client. The client feels comfortable telling them their life stories - ususally filled with pain, mistakes, hurt. This new level of intimacy between CMs and clients is very important, and only when established will much of the "real work" get done.

However, this "trust and intimacy" between CM and client can go too far. Like today.

Hearing about client's sex lives would be in this category for me.

Yeah. Two separate, unrelated clients. Today. Apparently last night was a good night for some Carlisle and Shippensburg residents. Must have been something in the air...

And I give myself mad props for not exploding into laughter, or vomit, right on the spot, by the way. Ah, the mental images...

~Molly

Ten things I really like about you...

I really like how happy you can make me.

I really like that you call me when you know I'm sad.

I really like how much you appreciate the small things I do.

I really like that you're just as excited to see me as I am to see you.

I really like that I'm not self-conscious around you.

I really like how you make me feel about myself.

I really like the way we laugh together, and already have inside jokes.

I really like how you treat me with such respect and politeness.

I really like learning all about you...What makes you the incredible person you are.

I really like how smart you are, and how you challenge me...


Yeah, that's right...This post is all about YOU! You know who you are :) Can't wait to see you tonight!

~Molly

P.S. - I had problems narrowing this down to only ten things... :)

Check one off the list...

So, I did it. Since it's inception, my list of "50 Things to do before I die" has not had anything crossed off yet.

#33 can now be crossed off my list.

I just signed up to sponsor a child through World Vision.

Her name is Achala, and she is a 7 year old girl who lives in Sri Lanka. She has a sister and brother. Her parents are farmers, and struggle to provide for the family. She lives in a house that is constructed with bricks and metal sheets. Her family can only really afford to eat rice and curry. She loves to draw, and is in the second grade. Her favorite activity is swinging.

I will post her pic when I get one in the mail. She's so beautiful.

Why didn't I do this sooner? I'm in love with her already...

https://donate.wvus.org/OA_HTML/xxwvibeMySponsoredChild.jsp?a=b

~Molly

Self-Analysis : Guilt

Let's talk about guilt.

"Guilt is a negative, paralyzing emotion, based on non-acceptance of oneself or the situation, and it leads to depression and frustration rather than change or improvement." (http://buddhism.kalachakranet.org/guilt.html)

If I am to truly make an journey of self-discovery, it is a very important for me to recognize the role that guilt plays in my life. When looking back on my choices in life, I see how guilt has motivated me. I guess the purpose of this post is for me to think about why guilt has such a place in my life, and if this is as negative as I believe it may be.

There is no doubt in my mind that my guilt comes partially from my religious background, partially from the way I was raised, and partially from my personality/nature as a people-pleaser.

Religion.

The first thing that comes to mind is the concept of being born onto the earth with an "original sin" for which we personally are not even responsible. Darn Adam and Eve...They had to ruin it for us all. Because they disobeyed God, they brought sin into the world. If taking one bite from an apple that they were not allowed to touch caused this much pain and sacrifice forever after - what consequences do my actions have on the world? I am a believer in the "every action has an equal and opposite reaction". I know this is a law of physics, but I truly believe that all humans are interconnected. So, actions that I take could have either a positive or negative effect on someone thousands of miles from me. That is a big responsibility.

Then comes into play the relatively traditional Christian doctrine that I have been exposed to for some time. Sex is bad, alcohol is bad, drugs are bad, tattoos are bad, obey and respect your parents, don't lie, don't covet possessions, being homosexual is wrong, give your money to church, volunteer, do missions, preach the word of God. Catholics disagree with Baptists, Pentecostal don't believe Lutherans are even Christians, Quakers are all about peace, Liberal "mega churches" preach about "supporting the troops in the war against terror". There are doctrines of wealth, doctrines of poverty, self-sacrifice, self-indulgence. How do we know what to believe??

I feel that all the discontent between denominations plays a large role in guilt. If we believe one thing, and act accordingly, there will be many people who would say "How can you believe this?" and show us how our beliefs are wrong. Choosing a position on an issue always brings with it a bit of self doubt (at least for me). What if I'm wrong...

So the Bible warns us against many things - sins. What happens when we mess up? In the middle ages, Catholics that had "messed up" were able to buy pardons. What an idea, buying salvation and forgiveness from God! Unbelievably, that idea still exists in today's society. Wealthy upper class white males donate money to help build churches. They are hailed as heroes. Oprah does amazing things around the world for many people - only possible because she has an incredible income. These kind of people are seen as "good, kind-hearted, caring". Which they may be, don't get me wrong...I just don't see how we can still equate money with Godliness, or heroic characteristics. It really detracts from the people who may be the real heroes out there - the people who are changing lives, making the world a better place just because its the right thing to do, not for recognition or applause.

repentance is the next step in the guilt process. This is the act of looking over your deeds and admitting mistakes. This is important, we need to realize when we make mistakes, and do our best to fix them. Some doctrines bring self-discipline and sacrifice into play here. Human nature plays a large part in making "bad" decisions - some of which I would argue aren't even decisions we can make (homosexuality, etc.)- and on top of the guilt piled on by society and religion, why not pile some personal hate to top it off?

Societal Impact.

"Some thinkers have theorized that guilt is used as a tool of social control. Since guilty people feel they are undeserving, they are less likely to assert their rights and prerogatives. Thus, those in power seek to cultivate a sense of guilt among the populace, in order to make them more tractable.

Some evolutionary psychologists have said that guilt is a rational human emotion selected by evolution. If a person feels guilty when he harms another or even fails to reciprocate kindness, he is more likely not to harm others or become too selfish; in this way, he reduces the chances of retaliation by members of his tribe and thereby increases his survival prospects, and those of the tribe. As with any other emotion, guilt can be manipulated to control or influence others." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilt#Causes_of_guilt)

When I feel guilty, it is usually because I felt that I have made a "wrong" decision. This is usually due to the universal principles of right and wrong. Who decided the moral code for humanity? Why are some things ok, and some strictly prohibited? Of course, ethics come into play immensely here. Beliefs range from the "good of the individual", "the good of the collective", "cultural relativism", etc. When a specific situation is in the limelight, and you ask 20 people to analyze it, you will most likely get 20 different answers of how to deal with the situation. There is no one correct answer. Every person, according to their individual life experiences, will believe something different from everyone else.

Conscience V.S. Guilt

This is an interesting concept for me...I will never please everyone. Most of the guilt that I feel is based on trying to make those around me happy. There is no way I can please my mom, dad, sisters, friends, boss, and myself all at the same time. I expend a ton of energy in that exact pursuit. I think one of my largest problems in this area is that I get guilt confused with my conscience.

"Conscience is a faculty or sense that leads to feelings of remorse when we do things that go against our moral precepts. Such feelings are not intellectually reached, though they may cause us to 'examine our conscience' and review those moral precepts, or perhaps resolve to avoid repeating the behaviour." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conscience)

Most of the judgment that I feel is self-inflicted. I will analyze what I said/did in a specific situation. Did I hurt someone else's feelings? Was I not understanding enough? I find myself constantly apologizing for things that I'm not even responsible for. Empathy is also tied in here, because a lot of times, I can literally feel the pain that others are going through. I can easily put myself in other's shoes. I think that is why I am so attracted to the Social Sciences.

Interestingly, Freud believed that the feeling of guilt is the effect of not obeying one's conscience. It is a very culturally present, and unique. Like anything, there are some genetics involved as well, but most experts believe it is more of an imprinting (learnt behavior). This makes it almost a Nature/Nurture argument. If you have parents who encourage empathy, morality, conscience awareness, and guilt as a response for a negative action, then it is very likely that you will grow up to function with those values as well. This was definitely true in my case.

Conclusion.

Well, if you've gotten this far, I'm very impressed that my unorganized, madcap ravings haven't phased you too much :) I'd love to hear feedback and opinions in my comments section...

In thinking about all of this, I realize that I need to spend more time in research. I also need to separate my feelings of empathy and guilt from my conscience, and see where that leads me. I think it is important, also, for me not to try to please everyone around me constantly. While I could never purposely harm them, I am at a point in my life that I need to do what is right for me, without always over-analyzing what effects my choices have on others. I also realize that I can't let guilt rule my life. I need to overcome it. I think this may indicate a bit of self-confidence issues, which is always a struggle.

Well, I do believe that's all for now. I am now off to have a guilt-free sleep.

I wish you all much love!

http://www.masteryoflife.com/resentment.html

~Molly

My legs are cold.

Even though the weather is mild today, I'm relatively cold. Surprise, surprise. It really is my own darn fault for wearing a skirt, but I just get so bored with pants all the time! It is a bit windy today, so I have to watch out -- I do NOT need a Bruce Almighty moment.

So, I am in an incredibly good mood again! Chris sent me an email from work yesterday telling me he would be home, to do a bit of work in the evening. (He works in Baltimore currently, so he spends most week days there). I was very excited - I didn't think I'd see him again till Friday. Around 8 I went over to his house. The boy NEVER seems to be hungry, and I'm always starving, it seems. So, I brought over one of those frozen skillet things, spinach, and brownie mix, and cooked us dinner while he finished working. It was very nice- a very comfortable feeling. He also appreciated John Legend, which is imperative :) After dinner we watched the Wallace and Gromit movie, which was pretty darn funny, as I was expecting. Somehow, (I still don't know how...) it became 2:30 am, and I had to leave, but not before getting some serious cuddling in. Its amazing how each new time we see each other is better than the one before...We're getting together Thursday, which is exciting, then he's going to Pittsburgh and I'm going to Philly over the weekend. In other news, I have decided to remove "Looking for dating and a relationship" from Facebook, and my profile from Plentyoffish.com. Yay online dating...Still can't believe it worked so well!

Work is going well today, it's 1:00 and I've just spent the whole of the morning doing home visits. Nothing crucial is happening, except my rehab client is finding new housing. I don't think the cat that I adopted for her likes me. Although everytime I hold it I sneeze a lot, so maybe it just knows...

Two really sucky things did happen today. (1) Stats teacher is NOT letting me retake the test I missed. Therefore I have to RETAKE STATS. This is a nightmare. Seriously. (2)My check engine light went on twice today...grrr. Wonder how serious it is. Really need a new car. Too bad I'm poor.

Other than that, its been a thumbs up day!

~Molly

:)

:) <--- Doesn't even compare to the size of my actual smile today.

A very long post...

Since this is going to be a long post, I am providing a Table of Contents. This way, you can skip directly to your desired reading selection.

Section (A.) Sentimental Christmas post
Section (B.) My Day Today
Section (C.) Scary Moment
Section (D.) Tomorrow

(A.)I'm sitting in my living room at home. It's 7:30, and I'm completely surrounded by boxes that my sister and I just brought up from the basement. The smell of Thanksgiving is still in the air. Bing Crosby is crooning softly...It's time to decorate the tree. This moment always makes me so content. My sister and I will inevitably argue over the placement and inclusion of a few choice ornaments. (I'm 22, but man, I can revert back to being an argumentative 15 year old very easily!) My mom will string the lights, because only she knows how to do it the "right way". We will have a breathtakingly beautiful tree this year, as we always do. Our Christmas tree is really a place to hang our memories of good times. Each ornament is a little window into the past...A family trip, gift from a good friend, clothing pin reindeer made in first grade...Then there are the more bittersweet moments. We have our Grandmother's Nativity Scene to set up. That always gets to my mom. I really miss my Grandma. She was a wonderful woman. Hard to get along with occasionally, and feisty as can be, but she was a truly amazing woman.

(B.)On a different note, I had a good day today! My family and I went to the farmer's market this morning, and got lots of free veggies. I got some great looking zucchini (sp?) with which I hope to make vegetarian lasagna. I saw my sister's new boyfriend again, and I reaffirmed the fact that he's the first one I actually approve of. He actually makes an effort to talk to me and the family, and he's very personable. Unlike the skinny anti-social emo kids she usually dates. So, thumbs up to her, for making good choice in guys. This one might actually be semi-worthy of her :)

After the market, we went to Dollar Tree to get some cheap decorations for Christmas. I got some general things that I needed too...Like toothpaste, lighter for candles, and Pringles :) After that I had a lovely hour + phone conversation with Chris. (I am not good on the phone, so for me, this is a big accomplishment!!) Then was dinner. Sarah came over with dogs (?!?) and I helped her to walk them home to her house (a little over a mile away). We got to talk and catch up, which was great. Then (currently) is decorating, and at 9 I'm going to see the Prestige with Uly and Vicky at the West Shore Theater -- the best theater EVER. I'm excited about that too - I miss my girls a lot!

Also, got to talk to some England buddies today! I miss them a lot actually. They were so much fun. Found out that Andy, my next door neighbor, is coming to Elizabethtown for sure this upcoming semester! I am very excited about this. I miss him. He teases me a lot about asking questions. I know he really loves them :) I'm going to have to take him on the American version of a Pub crawl...Bar hopping! Although he hates the "ale" here...Can't say I blame him!

(C.)On another different note. Scarier actually. Hierald called me to tell me there was a scary guy outside our house (in our backyard) in a black hoodie, staring at our house. I am kind of concerned about this...As I was alone for awhile in the house yesterday, and Josh was all today. Hierald's going to get Messiah to replace our locks, and get us window locks too. I'm glad, because that's just really...Creepy.

(D.) So as I mentioned earlier, I talked to Chris today for about an hour. He was amazing as usual, and kindly agreed to hang out with me tomorrow. As it was his turn to organize the day, it sounds like it is going to be a lot of fun. We're going to meet for lunch at 12, and then go for a hike at the park that is apparently behind HACC (who knew?!). Then we're going to see stories tall, anti-religion, politically agenda-ed, tap dancing PENGUINS! What could be better, honestly? So I'm very excited, and will be sure to post tomorrow with an update. I'm so glad I still have a whole day of "weekend" left. Very happy to be spending it in such a fun way :)

Ok, well, I think all my blogger-reading fans should be good with this entry. It is way too long, and contains much information. I know you're reading...I installed a counter on the page! LEAVE ME COMMENTS. Comments are fun :)

Love you all!

~Molly

Its a Beautiful Day...

Today was a really good day. I am having such a good time at home. Everytime I am home, I realize how much I miss my family when I don't spend a large amount of time with them. The women of my life are so inspiring, all in their own ways. My mom is a pillar of support, sacrifice, hospitality, encouragement, and love. Amy is so free-spirited and fun-loving. She challenges me, forces me to think in different ways, and most of all, she laughs with me. I am so glad that we have both changed and grown, and are able to be at this really good point where we understand and respect each other so much.

Emily had a rough day today. She talked to my dad's wife, Cathi, and Cathi said some really hurtful things to Emily. This is especially difficult for me to take, as Emily gets enough crap in life without having to deal with it from someone who is supposed to be there for her, to support her, to love her. With the combination of her learning support difficulties, and being a dwarf, she has had to deal with a lot. She's a very strong person, and manages to stand up for herself in any situation. As a result, she has a lot of anger and resentment, which in my opinion, is perfectly understandable. I try to help her to talk about her feelings rather then just translating them to anger and reacting that way. She was really angry after she talked to Cathi today, but it was really just hurt underneath the rough exterior.

We celebrated "Thanksgiving" today. My mom, Amy, and Emily were there of course. My aunt and uncle from Hershey came. Amy's best friend Laura came. Josh, Uly, Vicky, and Sarah also came, plus me = 11 for dinner! It was quite an event, and there was even a ton of leftovers! Tomorrow will be enjoyable as well :) At Amy's insistence, we even braved the mall! She got some Christmas presents, and I got a new pair of sneakers! (This is exciting, because my sneakers that I bought in England are very worn out. Although they have traversed six countries, so its to be expected.)

It was a very beautiful day today, as a very nice text message reminded me this afternoon. I do not look forward to the cold that is coming...But it brings with it winter, and all the amazingness that comes with that season.

Can I just say tomorrow's only Saturday?! Two more full days of weekend left! Yay!

~Molly

http://www.globalorgasm.org/ (thanks to Dan for this!!)

Ridiculously Happy!

So yesterday was genuinely swoon-tastic. If I hadn't had a doorframe to lean on, or if a heap of petticoats had suddenly appeared, then I would have been in trouble.

I had a great time last night. Chris and I went to Sammy's for a darn good dinner. Then it was off to Zembie's (which I was so excited to frequent, as I have never been there!) for pitchers of Yuengling. After that, we went to his house to watch a movie, and I got to see all of his books. It's a library that I could get lost in for a long time...I just can't seem to keep a smile off of my face today! :)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope your day is fabulous- full of family, joy, laughter and love!

Christmas is just around the corner!

~ Molly

It's Cool to Drool!

So I went to the dentist and they fixed my broken filling. Apparently it had been broken for over a year. They gave me lots o' novicane, because I told them it wears off quickly for me (it does, and that HURTS!)

Now I'm sitting in my office wiping my shirt. I just took a sip of a cup of tea that
I made for myself, and I drooled it all over my sweater. I'm so classy, let me tell you.

Man, my lips are REALLY numb. Weird.

~Molly

Giving of Thanks!

So I just did a massive amount of laundry. I didn't even have enough hangers on which to hang everything! My closet apparently can't handle having all clean clothes at once. I also love the feeling of sleeping on clean sheets...Definitely one of the best feelings out there.

Its almost 3 am (damn naps mess with me too much!) and I have a dentist's appt. at 8. I really don't want to go and get my filling replaced. Its really just the big needle that they insert in my gum several times. I hate pain. Darn it.

I am actually fairly excited for the giving of thanks this year. Tomorrow I work till 5, then I do believe I'm going out with Chris in the evening. (We have no set plans, even though its tomorrow, lol) Whenever I leave him, I'm all packed up to go home. I'm staying at my house from tomorrow night till the weekend sometime, or whenever being at home starts to drive me crazy! :)

My dad called me tonight to discuss Thanksgiving. I hate that I'm so fueled by guilt. Of course, I agreed to stop over to spend time with him on Thanksgiving. Now, the only reason I don't want to go (Emily will be there) is because his wife's kid is there. I guess she's my "stepsister", but whatever, I met her once. She's married and has a kid (and she's only 20!!) and I have no desire to be around these people during Thanksgiving. But, my innerself preserved as it always does, so on Thursday I'm going over from like 4-6. That's IT though. Even my record-breaking guilt has a limit.

Friday, we're having our family dinner at Mom's. My Aunt and Uncle are coming, as well as Uly, Vicky, and Josh. I am really excited to have my friends over. As soon as my mom heard that the three of them were on their own for Thanksgiving, she had a fit and immediately instructed me to invite them for dinner. Mom's awesome like that, very big on hospitality. Plus she's making delicious food...And even a Whipping Cream Poundcake for me! I cannot even express the deliciousness of this baked good. Once a year I get it, and it is indeed that time! Bring on the pounds!

Well, I am finally starting to get tired, so I suppose I am off to bed. I want to wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving, and lots of love!

What are you thankful for this year? I am thankful for the memories of good times.

~ Molly

Monday Mornings

It seems as though Mondays always come too soon. I wonder why this is...As Fridays perpetually seem to be in short supply. However, this week is Thanksgiving, so I will only be working three days out of the five. I know what I'm thankful for this year, for sure...Working full time gives you a great answer to this question. "I'm thankful that I get two days off, in which to stuff myself silly with delicious foods!" I can hardly wait.

Plus, with Thanksgiving comes Christmas. Christmas means so many things to me, and I'm as excited as can be for this time of year again! Although, it definitely needs to get colder. I'm not quite feeling the holiday spirit yet -- last week I went without my coat to work! I mean come on...

I had a super weekend also - Friday was Hierald's 22nd bday, so we went out drinking and dancing. Saturday was spent in wonderful company. It consisted of 11 hours of lunch, hiking, car-leaning, coffee-drinking, book-browsing, car-leaning phase two, driving to Gettysburg, and dinner. Quite a fabulous day, best Saturday in recent memory. Today was the TSO concert, seeing my family, hanging out with some friends, and general relaxing.

So needless to say...Tomorrow is not the most welcome sight. But I am definitely looking forward to the short week. Oh, I am no longer going to Charleston, so if you are around and want to hang out, please look me up!

Even though I have received NO feedback thus far, here is my Christmas list:

1. Time magazine subscription

2. Bluetooth headset for phone

3. Socks

4. Barns and Noble Gift Certificate

5. Printer

6. Digital Camera

7. Claire's gift certificate

8. Swiffer Cleaners - wet/dry pads

9. Sippers


"Hanging around, nothing to do but frown, rainy days and Mondays always get me down..." ~ The Carpenters

Short but oh-so-sweet

So my mom is demanding a Christmas List, and I can't think of anything I want! So, I was hoping that one of you would have a suggestion for something that I just "HAVE to have" this holiday season. So far, I've got some books and a couple CD...socks...and a Bluetooth for my phone. Any more ideas would be welcome. Plus, I'd LOVE some comments!

Question I've been asking myself today: "How many miles can I drive my car when my gas indicator needle is on 'E'?" Hmm...sounds like an interesting experiment. Or I could suck it up and get some damn gas in my car...

Oh, and Hierald's 22nd bday is being celebrated tonight, and I say -- its going to be a wild one.

~Molly

Idealist?

I'm a bit bored, and therefore feel the need to post again. I just watched the movie "Requiem for a Dream", which was a crazy movie. Of course, it made me think of my client that's in rehab currently...I can't seem to leave that stuff at work.

So, it seems like I want to talk about my job in the Social Sciences field. That's what my brain is gravitating towards anyway. I sometimes wonder how long I can stay in my job. As long as I can remember, I've wanted to "help people" who have messed up families like mine. Hopefully, I can help them before things get too messed up, and I can try to put it into some semblance of order for them...But its really hard sometimes. First of all, I'm expected to know about a ton of stuff. I need to know the welfare system, federal benefits qualifications, low income housing, rent assistance, energy assistance, WIC, tax breaks for the poor, crisis help, shelters, food banks, clothing banks, nutrition for children, job skills, disabilities, elderly assistance, veteran's assistance, pregnancy help, domestic violence assistance, legal aid, financial management and budgeting, interviewing/resume skills, health insurance, single parent needs, and the list goes on and on and on!

I know it is never wrong to show compassion and to care for others. However, I sometimes wonder how long I will be able to do this, genuinely. I already find myself doubting what some people tell me. Now, I should explain that I'm a very honest person. I hate lying, and try my hardest never to do it. And I'm by no means a "sheltered" individual - I've been exposed to most of what's out there. When people talk to me about their lives, how they've gotten to the point where they're at, I am inclined to believe them. I know people exaggerate, and some lie...But I decided when I started this job that that's on their conscience, not mine. I will do my best to help them based on what they tell me. I'm not stupid, and I usually know when I'm being lied to. THAT'S what I am afraid will get to me...I'm afraid I will become jaded, and begin to not believe the sad stories that I hear.

I don't think I will ever have a job in another field. I just have this burning desire to make things right for disenfranchised people. I get so frustrated when I see policies and procedures that are designed without prevention in mind -- these lead only to a self-perpetuating cycle of neediness. I don't understand how some people can live their everyday middle class lives without thinking of those in need. I can't stand it when people know only about what's going on in their lives... nothing about their neighbors, their family, their state, our nation, let alone the wide world. I hate how when people think "poor", they see a ghetto crack house. These narrow-minded views of the world really get to me. Its when I see people like this, that my flame gets renewed and I vow to never become one of them.

I never want to be satisified. I hope I am always in this line of work, trying to make a positive impact on the world. For me, it's the only way I can be truly happy. Seeing the direct effect of something I do on someone's life is amazing, and more addicting than any drug used in "Requiem". The work will never be done, and I'm so lucky to be a part of it. Am I an idealist? Of course...what other way is there to be?

http://www.idealist.org/

~Molly

Teeth and Trailers and Chickens...Oh My!

So I went to the dentist's last night -- First time in over a year!! (Well, I didn't have insurance, and then was in Europe, give me a break) But all was mostly well, due to my excellent oral hygenine routine. I do have two fillings, and one of them has broken. So, I do need to get a new filling. But, that's not my fault. Other than that, I have to go in for a cleaning soon. So, two more Dentist appointments this month...Boy, I can hardly wait!

Work is a little stressful today. I need to turn in my monthly report ASAP. Also, one of my new cases, my family of 7, was evicted from their trailer yesterday. I'm headed down to the hotel they're staying at in an hour or so. Its a bummer, because we knew this was going to happen. But, there was not enough time to do anything about it, and now I'm going to try to get them into a shelter, which breaks my heart. I absolutely hate seeing children (there's 4 of them in this family) living in shelters. Children have such a need for constancy and stability...and it's very hard for them to have a life where neither is available. The mother is having problems controlling them lately, and I think it is because of all the tremendous changes the children's lives are going through. They're acting out, because that's how they show their fear, their anger, their nervousness. I sincerely hope I don't have to get Children and Youth involved...

On a totally unrelated topic...I ran across this website and think that everyone needs to check it out. http://www.vfr.net/~tbruce/facts.html These "Little Known Facts about Chickens" really made my day...I mean, who doesn't need a little more squawk in their lives?! I bet you didn't know that Alektorophobia is the word for "fear of chickens"!


Day two of renewed Blogging - completed!

~ Molly

Rededicate

So, I definitely had forgotten that I had this blog set up. But, I am very excited to rediscover it! Although my last entries were a year ago, I believe I can salvage this and rededicate myself to writing more regularly. I don't know how I'm going to write the next great American novel if I can't even write in a darn blog for more than a couple of days!

It is probably the lack of self discipline that I possess. I find it hard to be motivated when I'm not challenged. This is happening at work more and more often lately. I get done what I need to get done, work ahead some, and then....Nothing. I have even spent time doing things that are above the call of duty (i.e. - driving to Carlisle on my own time to feel fish for a client in rehab).

So, lets see. Let me give a quick update I suppose...I'm 22, its November of 2006. I studied abroad in England last Feb-June. I'm technically not graduated yet, because of my pesky Statistics class, but I'm working full time for the Community Action Commission as a Family Self Sufficiency Case Manager(same as I did for my internship, if you remember). Currently living with Hierald, my best friend and his brother Josh in a house right across the street from Messiah. Hierald's engaged to Kristen, and she is there most of the time too. The house is lovely, and I have my own floor, with two bedrooms and bathroom, which rocks. I'm mainly working on paying off my bills from abroad so that I can purchase a new car, and pay off some student loans. Also, I will be wanting to get an apartment around summertime.

Emotionally, I have been doing well. Travel was so good for me...I really think I developed in a lot of ways. I thought I knew what "independence" was, and I'm sure I do now. Being self-sufficient, completely cut off from anyone I knew for 5 months was an amazing experience. I know myself so much better. I have different hopes, dreams, expectations for myself now. I realize how important it is to truly follow my heart, without always letting my head talk me out of it. I learned how to let spontaneity take the place of responsibility occasionally.

All of these self-awarenesses really helped me to understand why I have always been where I am when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. I never really knew what I wanted...So how am I supposed to find someone who fit these imaginary standards? Several months after I came home from my travels, I realized that it was time. I was ready to try and have a relationship. So, with my new senses of self-confidence, independence, self-awareness, and "worldliness", if you will - I joined an online dating site. Now, let's recap the fact that I....Don't....Date. Not because I don't like guys, because I just seem to have a problem finding the ones that like me too, and that fit the parameters of what I need. The first boy I even was interested in was freshman year at college, and we remain best friends. The first boy I really dated was a long-distance/online relationship. The third boy I dated was after returning from England, and joining this online site...

www.plentyoffish.com - gotta give it a plug. I have talked to many different types of people, and have learned a lot about "dating in the real world". Now, this is very different from "dating according to Messiah", and I have to explain that, because it is very significant. At Messiah, when you date someone it is automatically assumed that you're exclusive. No casual dating allowed. You will not be physically intimate. God doesn't like that. You are required to go everywhere together, and make sure that everyone knows that you are a couple. Now, this is what I had been around for the last 4 years. My friends mostly found boyfriends and girlfriends at college, which is a very casual way to date. You hang out with a group of friends, eventually manage to talk individually with the object of interest, and discover you like each other. No "classic dating ritual" involved really.

So, here I am...22, and never really had a normal relationship. Obviously inexperienced with the physical as well as emotional elements. Still am.
I do have a bit of a romance rant, mostly aimed at women. Here goes.

Women have this annoying idea that the "perfect" relationship is going to be easy. Now, when I say "perfect", I mean perfect for them, everyone knows there is no perfect relationship, as there are no perfect people. But, where did we get the idea that we're going to bump into Mr. Right in the produce isle, cluelessly trying to choose the ripest cantaloupe? Why do we think that Prince Charming will fall from the sky directly in front of our door? I honestly think media has a lot to do with these false views of relationships - movies like Serendipity and The Wedding Planner. I promise you...Only VERY rarely will you be saved by a dashing engaged pediatrician, and then manage to steal his heart, plan his wedding to another women anyway, and still get him in the end. My point is this. Women have to work incredibly hard in this world for schooling, equal rights, job or educational success, promotions, etc. Why do we have this fundamental idea that we DON'T have to work to find the right person to spend our lives with? That "it has to be easy to be meant to be." I just think that is such flawed logic. Humans are relational beings, and need the company of others. Why shouldn't we have to put effort into finding that special person?

Ok. I think this is enough for now. God, I missed writing...