Hyped up on Energy Drink!

Well, since it's after 4:00 am and I'm still up bullshitting another paper, I figured I'd post. It can count as tomorrow's or something. Beginner's eagerness I'm sure. It won't last long, don't worry.

So far tonight I've drank 20 ounces of caffeine in the form of Mt. Dew Livewire, and 16 ounces of a high fructose corn syrup/caffeine beverage in the form of ENERGY: Extra Strength Energy drink made by the Jones' soda guys. I think I'm on to my large bottle of Starbuck's latte thingy. It doesn't seem to be working so well. But it is 4 am and I'm still up, so I don't really know what I'm expecting.

Maybe they are helping. Who knows. At any rate, I'm somehow avoiding that ache that I get deep inside myself sometimes late at night. Its interesting how many names that ache goes by. I call it The Uncomfortable. Its a mixture of things, really. Loneliness, desperation, contemplation of the future, a void. Although, to look at it in a more positive light...It could be there as a reminder--waiting for something. The uncomfortable could just be the me inside letting the me outside know that there is still work to be done, things to figure out, people to love. I don't really know.

I'm a fairly easy going person, but some things admittedly bother me. Repetitive noises, doing dishes by hand, annoying people, babies crying, chick flicks, computers freezing, and sink gunk are some of them.

So imagine my mood earlier today while I am stuck in my tiny kitchen/hallway (my apt is miniscule) doing a sink full of dishes while the cd is skipping in the living room. Right there, we have dishes and repetitive noises. Then I ask my roommate if she has/sees any more dirty dishes laying around so I can finish them off. She says no. Im sitting at her desk 20 minutes later doing some work, and staring at five dirty dishes. Annoying. Now, I realize the world is not going to end. This is not one of the horseman of the apocalypse. Nonetheless, at 4:20 am I'm annoyed. Perhaps this is why humans are not programmed to be awake at this time of day.

One of the amazing things about human beings is the emotional structure that we have. It's interesting to me how intensely I can feel about a person. There are not many people who I am indifferent to. I usually either love or hate them. I tend to judge people on my first impression. Not like "oh your sweater is ugly, I can't hang out with you", but personality-wise. I either click with someone, or I don't. If I don't, I usually don't spend too much time trying to. I can still be friends with them, no problem, but they will never be on that inner circle for me. Some people you are drawn to for a reason, and some you aren't.

So of course now that I started writing, I can think of more things to talk about. I guess I really have needed to express myself. Reminder to self - talk about guilt, god, and the future.

On to the Starbucks, and back to bullshitting. Wish me luck.

~ Molly

The Uncomfortable

So I created this blog because I have these intense images of me sitting at my computer nightly typing deep words of wisdom for those lucky few who stumble on my blog. Now I try to type, and nothing comes out. Typical.

Why is my blog called "The Uncomfortable"? Because that is how I see myself. I am an uncomfortable student. I am an uncomfortable friend. I am an uncomfortable Christian. It seems like nothing in life is black or white for me like it used to be. I'm not sure of anything, and that's hard. I worry that I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, motivated enough, strong enough, or patient enough to "suceed" in life. But what is success anyway? Do I define success for myself? What if I don't end up in Wikipedia by the time I die? Am I then a failure?

Nothing like getting off to a melancholy start. I don't mean to be as cynical as I am sounding. I'm glad to have this blog - Hopefully it will be a good thing for me, a needed outlet. Maybe it will help me to move from uncomfortable to content.

~ Molly