Life Decisions
I am feeling very peaceful today.
It's been awhile. Even lately when I've been keeping myself busy with friends and Chris, I've been just "ok". Today is the first day that I've really felt content in several weeks.
I feel as through recently I have been conflicted, distressed, and just thinking about life too much. I'm at the point where I feel like I can just let it go a bit, and not have to have everything planned out for me. There are still things that I have to figure out, but I'm not going to push myself to make a decision until I feel ready. I don't know why I impose such strict timelines on myself.
I think it has a lot to do with this fear that I have. I have such a strong premonition that I won't do the things that I feel that I need to do in order to be happy. I get scared that I'm going to be stuck in Central Pa for the rest of my life. I get scared that I'm not going to travel. I get scared that I'm going to be stuck in a job that I don't love. I think most of all, I'm scared about making the wrong decision.
A lot of my indecision also has to do with the way I interact with myself. I have ALWAYS had to push myself to go above and beyond. What comes easily to others doesn't to me. I have had to work hard for everything that I have, and I have always been able to motivate myself to rise to the challenge in front of me. I think this applies to my situation now, because I am subconsciously pushing myself to start doing the things I know I need to do (live in a different area, get my Master's, travel) and I'm not allowing myself to have time in which I'm not working towards these goals.
I feel as though I'm spinning my wheels sometimes, which is part of what led to this whole life crisis thing in the beginning. I'm in a job that is making a difference in people's lives, but it doesn't fulfill me. I am not challenged by it. Most days it is easy, and I'm not very intellectually stimulated. I have professional ambitions that I want to fulfill eventually, and this job is not really going to lead me anywhere on that path.
However, for the first time since graduation, I'm feeling comfortable here. I'm LOVING being with Chris, spending my weekends with him. Its amazing that my friends are close by, and I get to see them once or twice a week. I am close to my family and able to be involved in my sister's life. All of these things are very important to me.
So! The point of all of this is to say that I have decided that I'm not going to push myself to make a decision right now. I'm going to, for the first time in awhile, let things take their course for a bit. I'm going to give myself some time, and call off the pressure that I had put on myself.
And this makes me feel oddly content. :)
~Molly
It's been awhile. Even lately when I've been keeping myself busy with friends and Chris, I've been just "ok". Today is the first day that I've really felt content in several weeks.
I feel as through recently I have been conflicted, distressed, and just thinking about life too much. I'm at the point where I feel like I can just let it go a bit, and not have to have everything planned out for me. There are still things that I have to figure out, but I'm not going to push myself to make a decision until I feel ready. I don't know why I impose such strict timelines on myself.
I think it has a lot to do with this fear that I have. I have such a strong premonition that I won't do the things that I feel that I need to do in order to be happy. I get scared that I'm going to be stuck in Central Pa for the rest of my life. I get scared that I'm not going to travel. I get scared that I'm going to be stuck in a job that I don't love. I think most of all, I'm scared about making the wrong decision.
A lot of my indecision also has to do with the way I interact with myself. I have ALWAYS had to push myself to go above and beyond. What comes easily to others doesn't to me. I have had to work hard for everything that I have, and I have always been able to motivate myself to rise to the challenge in front of me. I think this applies to my situation now, because I am subconsciously pushing myself to start doing the things I know I need to do (live in a different area, get my Master's, travel) and I'm not allowing myself to have time in which I'm not working towards these goals.
I feel as though I'm spinning my wheels sometimes, which is part of what led to this whole life crisis thing in the beginning. I'm in a job that is making a difference in people's lives, but it doesn't fulfill me. I am not challenged by it. Most days it is easy, and I'm not very intellectually stimulated. I have professional ambitions that I want to fulfill eventually, and this job is not really going to lead me anywhere on that path.
However, for the first time since graduation, I'm feeling comfortable here. I'm LOVING being with Chris, spending my weekends with him. Its amazing that my friends are close by, and I get to see them once or twice a week. I am close to my family and able to be involved in my sister's life. All of these things are very important to me.
So! The point of all of this is to say that I have decided that I'm not going to push myself to make a decision right now. I'm going to, for the first time in awhile, let things take their course for a bit. I'm going to give myself some time, and call off the pressure that I had put on myself.
And this makes me feel oddly content. :)
~Molly
posted by Greta at 10:49 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home